Category Archives: relationships

💔Shopaholic Rant: Unfriending people on Facebook 💔

💔Genuine relationships require a great deal of time, energy,commitment and emotional investment.

💔For this reason I have always been utterly bemused by the sheer no of friends people claim to have these days, esp since the widespread usage of social media. Almost every person’s profile I have clicked on in the last few months has a had friend count of over 500 😳.

💔With an average school having between 400-500 students thats like being friends with every single person in school !😱

💔 I mean even at weddings the maximum guests you have if you are Caucasian 👱🏼‍♀️is 50-250, or if you are brown 🙎🏻is between 200-400 and that includes the entire odd assortment of relatives and colleagues, friends of your parents, their extended families etc. So where exactly are these 500+ “friends” ? I’ve personally never seen anyone at one time hanging out with 500 close friends have you? I mean even in the cult favorite show “Friends” there were only 5.

💔Have we redefined friendship to include any person with a social media account to have free access to our personal life? Or has the numbers game taken over relationships as well in this day and age?

💔I personally find the idea of someone I barely know, have access to all my social media just plain odd and awkward. I’ll give you an example, recently  I stumbled upon a middle school classmate after almost 10+ years through a common friend. Even though we were never more than polite acquaintances back in school immediately she requested to befriend me on social media. Since she had already whipped her phone out and was looking at me expectantly, it seemed rude not to comply. A couple of weeks later however since I didn’t hear a single peep from her, I ceremoniously unfriended her off all my social media accounts. 😕.

💔Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a mean, hateful person ( well not all the time 😋) and I love the idea of making new friends. But here’s what I don’t get: befriending someone on social media only to ignore them in real life? Picture this I went to the movies 🎬with a “friend” and the entire time we were there she was busy liking pics on Instagram and commenting on Facebook. 😡 The whole point of going to the movies with friends is to laugh together and comment on the funny and interesting bits. I honestly was pissed off and left wondering why she had bothered to come at all.

💔Secondly why would you want divulge all your life details to someone you just met( let’s face facts people from what we are eating and drinking, to what we are wearing to who we are with and where we put in all on social media). 

💔Finally why would you want to have someone who you have zero interest in past the intial friend request, have all of their crap show up on your newsfeed? I mean it’s frustrating enough to have to deal with insufferable people in real life,  but to have them irritate you online as well? I’ve frankly got no tolerance for the selfie queens, attention seeking status posters, repeated game request senders,or people who just want to add and forget you…😒.

💔Why not just unfollow them you ask? Well I’ve done that but that still lets them look at my stuff whenever they choose to and I’m not in the habit of putting up a zillion different privacy settings everytime I post. Plus everytime I happen to look over my friends list and see a name that i haven’t had any sort of contact with in ages it makes me wonder what on earth are they still doing on my friends list?🤔

💔I mean the last time I checked Facebook wasn’t a dupe for the yellow pages 📒.

💔To be honest I feel much better after I spring cleaned my social media contact list. It may have dwindled my friend count but atleast the ones left are the ones that matter. How do you clean up your social media let me know here 😘

Until next time loves xoxo💋

Know Thy Enemy : Everything you need to know about the Mother in law 😱

Disclaimer : This work is a piece of fiction meant to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to any characters living or dead is purely a result of the reader’s over active imagination and should be disregarded immediately. Enjoy 😘

According to Wikipedia,💻
A Mother in law, is the mother of your spouse . 🙁 Apparently either the founder of Wikipedia is still single, married and forced to lie through his teeth under penalty of death or just plain naive.

Whatever the case ,this seemingly innocuous description utterly and miserably fails to encompass, the vast reality and entirety of this formidable, obnoxious , tyrannical , overbearing , cunning, self proclaimed expert matriarch😳.
Scared😰 yet? Hate to break it you but you will soon find yourself joining the ranks of the countless psychological and physically scarred victims of this narcissistic ,conniving foe.👀
Rest assured she will mark you as her opponent the moment you say the cherished “I do💞”.
But before you start adding unlimited sessions of psychotherapy to your trousseau wish list. Here are a few things that will prepare you for your unavoidable showdown once you set off on your journey of marital bliss 😒.
So put on your wifely armor, and prepare yourself for a lifelong battle🛡. In the words of Sun Tzu ” Know thy enemy”, even if these nuggets of information won’t help you win the war at least you will go down fighting ⚔ .


1- Get ready for a lifetime of being undermined and usurped ,

⚔From laundry, cooking , parenting heck even your clothes ( you dress like a tramp) and makeup ( you make Rupaul look like the girl next door💄).
⚔Be prepared to be criticized and belittled for every single one of your choices the exception being the prized catch that you happened to chance upon: “Her perfect one in a million offspring
✨👶🏽✨”
whose miraculous birth story you will be hearing till your ears bleed . And will never be able to upstage even if you give birth to quadruplets hanging upside down from a broken bridge suspended over snapping crocodiles 🐊. Slight exaggeration but you get the idea 💡.
⚔Of course you will be accused of not properly feeding, bathing, pampering the fully grown 6 foot 185 lb man child (What you thought we were discussing your offspring ?😒) she grudgingly (read hanging onto his pant legs yelling “don’t go! )handed over to you.
2-Anything you cook will be inspected , re seasoned, deemed unfit for human consumption, inevitably be thrown out and replaced by a flourish and to rousing applause 👏 by the two heterogametic specimens in the family. ( Read the docile father in law( who admitted defeat long ago and is probably just waiting for the angel of💀 death to put him out of his misery) and your doted upon naive ( read opportunistically passive /aggressive) spouse.
3– You will forever be playing runnerup 🎖 ( don’t count on Steve Harvey to come to the rescue here 👑).To :
A-The beacon of self proclaimed perfection 🏆in the one woman show of “me, myself and I” 😒. Aka Mother in law dearest.
B- To her female offsprings – namely your sister in laws ( the tyrannical lineage💀must continue )
C- To every single one of your spouse’s exes even if they happened to be ex convicts accused of manslaughter 🔪.
4-Get ready to have your personal space invaded in everyway possible,
From your kitchen cabinets , refrigerators, closet, to your lingerie drawer. (Read keep all things lacy and kinky under lock and key).🗝
⚔Nothing is off limits to this scourging hyena. In fact if in a skewed world, mother in laws would be computer savvy, she would have hacked into all your social media and bank accounts as well.

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5-Holding your tongue ,

will become second nature since you’ll be doing it everyday, 365 days a year for the rest of your life. This is especially true, if you happened to marry into a brown/Asian family.👩‍👩‍👦👨‍👨‍👦👩‍👩‍👧👨‍👩‍👧‍👦
📚Textbook strategies like spelling out your needs , setting out boundaries, voicing your opinions, working out conflicts like a mature adult, will result in bringing about a catastrophic disaster ( read Hindenburg).
And remember that charming, smooth talking hunk💪🏼 who conned you into a lifetime of marital torture. If you are counting on support from him forget it! 🚫When it comes to family drama this mama’s boy will simultaneously sprout the combined characteristics of the deaf, dumb and the mute.

6– So you thought failing as a housekeeper, wife and a human being was bad ?
Wait till you get slapped by the “incompetent mother ” tag. From giving birth to your bundle of joy( Only 12 hours?It took me a week to push your husband out sans epidural💉)!
⚔Everything from holding, feeding , putting the baby to sleep will be scrutinized , criticized and be accompanied by a never ending barrage of unsolicited advice. 🗣
Not to mention the fact that after 9 months and several hours of exhausting labor, the baby will be likened to everyone (from the preening matriarch herself to her second distant cousin twice removed) but you. 😳
7-A photographic memory is a must.

It will come in handy, at various social gatherings where you will be required to recall accurately , the names, glorified pasts, occupations and various ailments of the countless relatives you will be forced to meet and greet. (Don’t forget to ask Aunt S about her third husbands arthritis now😳).

8– Not a fan of daytime soaps ?
⚔Well it’s time to start binge watching now. Because pretty soon you will be encountering theatrics worthy of daytime Emmy nominations – no cable tv 📺required. From feigned heart attacks to sudden bouts of temporary amnesia , to melodramatic recounts of your many faults, to outright hissy fits and temper tantrums. The narcissistic matriarch will stop at nothing to gain her son’s attention and keep it.
9– Your parents vs his,

⚔what you thought only you had it bad? Rest assured your parents won’t be spared from this drama mama either. From why you won’t call his mother “mom” ( I have my own thank you very much, and the same question to him btw),to the no of times you visited your folks and vice versa, to the presents they gave ( nothing will ever be good enough👎🏼). To what you gave them ( A waste of her son’s hard earned money💸). Guess whose keeping score?🤔

10– Finally here’s something you don’t want to hear ,

⚔Every female posses the MIL gene. That’s right ladies we are all born with it. It’s right there innocent, benign just waiting for the moment that XY chromosome you birthed gets ready to be hitched. The next thing you know you will morph overnight into the cunning , controlling monster you once hated. 😖 Your best hope? Take an oath to be punched in the face the instant find yourself committing any of the ergeruious sins listed above.👊🏻

So there you have it loves, all you ever wanted to know about the age old formidable enemy. Hey it’s always good to be prepared even if you will be fighting a loosing battle 😉⚔. Wedding bells anyone?🔔
Until next time xoxo💋

 

Valentine’s Day in the 21st century – Celebration🎉Obligation💰 Elusion 👎🏼

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Every year come February , consumers are subjected to a barrage of Valentine’s Day 💖 related paraphernalia, courtesy of corporate America and their clever marketing schemes. Each one of them trying to outdo the other in a haste to seduce the unsuspecting , besotted consumer into the fabricated world of materialistic romance.
Love suddenly becomes the most sought after and easily available commodity . Ranging anywhere from $5 for cheap, easy love , to over the top, made to order, and priced at six figures.Love❤️ladies and gentlemen is in the air , packaged ,priced and ready to sell.
But how exactly did we get here, what makes Valentine’s Day one of the sought after holidays post xmas?

Even though most historical records credit Saint Valentine as being the brain child of Valentine’s Day . It was good old Chaucer who in the 14th century, officially associated romance with Valentine’s Day upon realizing that :
A)-365 days of reciting love sonnets was too much strain on his limited, medieval vocabulary,
B)-non stop courting by the moonlight was turning him into an insomniac and
C)-he was running out of items to barter in exchange for herbal viagra.

However up to the 18th century the most fervor displayed during Valentine’s Day was the exchange of handmade cards by a besotted few.
It wasn’t until the 21st century that corporations and the mass media realized the potential of commercial exploitation of old Chaucer’s decision . And Valentine’s Day evolved into the commercialized, laced with reciprocal intent, somewhat obligated transaction that we know and love today💘.
The typical Valentine’s Day consumer usually falls into one of the three categories :
1- The Celebrators,🎉
these starry eyed propagators of everlasting romance( usually comprising of newly weds still in the honeymoon phase, and those in the initial, heady throes of romance , oblivious to impending future disasters ) are ready and willing to scoop up all things pink and red and throbbing with passion 😳 in an attempt to woe their beloved.
From overpriced flowers , gourmet chocolates , edible undies and cheesy cards, to Kim Kardashian’s Valentine’s Day special butt and boob venom 😳. These smitten, swooning, over the nauseatingly cheery duo’s are ready to hop onto the love train with aplomb💘.

2- The obligated spenders,💸
This griping ,eye rolling, profoundly sighing group usually comprises of members of the heterogametic sex , who participate in the love fest out of :
A) sheer obligation to prove their undying love and loyalty for the umpteenth time,
B) An opportunity to score bonus points to be redeemed later on in the year – read forgotten birthdays , obscure anniversaries, wet towels on the bed etc..
And
C)mainly to avoid being in the dog house with their significant other- Read sleeping on the couch and no home runs.

3-The lonely haters club,👤
This group includes all the self deprecating, cynical, sulky, vindictive( read freshly dumped), self piteous single people.
These purveyors of anti romantic sentiments while harshly criticizing their happily cooing counterparts, are desperately seeking soul mates ( read -tinder, okcupid, zoosk).
Ready to shed their masks of emphatic hatred towards all things mushy and pink and join the ranks of the happily ever afters💞.

So that’s it for this Valentine’s Day roundup, let me know which category you happen to fall into this year✨

Until next time xoxo💋!

What not to do on Facebook 🚫

Ok here’s some news you haven’t heard before : Facebook is the epicenter of almost everyone’s lives today. At any given time 1.038 billion of us are using Facebook ! Let’s face of it majority of us won’t consider our day as officially underway unless we have logged onto Facebook and gone over our news feed with a magnifying glass 🔎.
There’s no denying it Facebook has a plethora of advantages for its users . It’s a way to connect with loved 💞ones, to share fun ✨memories , get interesting information🤓, have a laugh😅 , learn something 🤔new , get your daily news , catch up on gossip🤐 , stalk👀 your ex, stalk👁 a friend/ enemy you secretly admire 💙 but outwardly hate 💚and the list goes on…
But as with all things good. People tend abuse and overuse Facebook to the point that it becomes quiet frankly an annoying pain in the a** to everyone on their friends list.

Disclaimer: – This article is meant to amuse 😆, so if you are someone who is easily offended, instantly incensed, are looking for a reason to vent , or have no sense of humor😠 . Move on. 🏃🏾

Otherwise keep on reading because you are about to find out just what not to do on Facebook.😉

1- Dont be an obnoxious relationship flaunter,

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I swear if I have to read yet another “#Best hubby ever ! So blessed to have you in my life! Xoxo!” status update I will end up in jail on account of attempted man slaughter.
For the last time ! No one wants to hear your sappy, over the top proclamations of undying love for your husband/boyfriend/ partner.
Instead of logging onto Facebook every time your heart starts overflowing with undeclared love. Do us all a favor, jolt your snoring love machine from his stupor, and enlighten him. I assure you, the 500+ people on your friends list will thank you for this small favor. 😒

2- Keep your food fetish in the kitchen where it belongs,
Unless you intend to send everyone one your list a food package this instant , or invite them all over for dinner, or you happen to be a food blogger . No one gives a shit about what you cooked today. So put down the camera and let us eat in peace you pyscho.

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Still not convinced you have a compulsive obsessive food disorder? Mental health experts have linked taking/ sharing too many pictures of food to mental illness. Time to check into the looney bin pal.

3- The birthday, anniversary , childbirth ranter,
So it’s your spouse’s , boyfriend’s, children’s birthday, anniversary or their kindergarten graduation. That’s just fabulous, so unless your husband is a soldier deployed in Africa, or your first born is in boarding school in Alaska you can very well wish them in person.

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And unless you intend to auction off that birthday cake and all of their/ your gifts, the used gift wrap and all the candles you own and lit just for taking those pictures. There is no need to broadcast them along with an over the top nauseating status update on Facebook , we really don’t care!

4- The accidental supermodel/ selfie queen👑

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Ok here’s are the facts: You are no Kate moss or Gigi Hadid and the paparazzi won’t chase you if you paid them💰. So quit posting pics of yourself casually strolling along fully kitted up and act like someone just happened to snap a few hundred shots of you in monochrome no less and put them up as your profile pic .

Same goes for looking over the shoulder or staring out in the distance accidental on purpose selfies . We are sick of them, spare us, stop fishing for likes and get a life . Or hire a photographer and get over your self obsession once and for all.

5- The over zealous parent ,👶🏽
Yes we know your children are the center of your lives as they are for most parents . Let’s just keep it that way. No one but your family and closest, loyal and obligated friends will want to see and comment on endless pics of your little ones in their rompers, dresses, awake , asleep, on their own , being forced to pose next to stuffed toys, holiday props ,your sleeping husband … You get the idea.

6- The compliment inventor ,😳
So the supermarket, grocery store, gas station clerk couldn’t believe you hadn’t even graduated from first grade and you were the mother of two? Maybe you should stop shopping at stores that:
(A) don’t offer vision insurance to the staff- the guy has cataracts.
(B) don’t mind their staff coming in drunk to work or
(C) encourage the staff to lie through their teeth in order to get tips .

7- Thy mother is thy life,💖

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We have no doubt that your mother is your backbone, your rock , your entire world. We are also 100% sure she would love it if you were to tell her all this in person or over the phone instead of posting it on Facebook along with grainy pics from your unrecognizable past .
Happy Mother’s Day indeed 🎉.

8- The desperado,
yes you know who you are. The attention craving poster of statuses that range from “I’m so alone” , “my life is over”, “I’m pissed”, “feeling so sick🤒” , ” the best day ever!” and “Las Vegas here I come!”.
The fact is. Your cunningly crafted, narcissistic, sympathy seeking, envy invoking attempt is not only glaringly transparent. It is profoundly annoying to the vast majority of people on your list who have zero interest but will nevertheless be subjected to the rants of a raving lunatic.

9- The overly devoted, husband,💞
Re read no-1 on the list then come back here. This guy won’t be able to digest his meal unless he brags about it first on Facebook. “My darling wife made me a smashing meal today!” followed by several pictures of the aforementioned meal probably taken under duress.
Thanks a lot dude! As if the half a dozen pictures your wife posted minutes before, to convince us that your home is an underground 5 Michelin star 🌟Zagat rated restaurant we would never have known . Now why don’t you go wash the dishes and belch out Justin Bieber’s “baby” 🎼to your Martha Stewart while you are at it.

10- The rambling ranter 🗣,
This person has ranting down to a science, politics, sports , religion , social causes. Whatever the hot topic of the moment you can expect an endless stream of opinionated, obnoxious and awkward witticisms.
With an invitation to engage in a ferocious,often venomous discourse in an attempt to shove their righteous beliefs down everyone’s throats.
Hate to break it to you pal , but no one is going to experience an epiphany✨ just by reading your one of your posts.

There you have it people the top 10 things not to do 🚫on Facebook. What are some of your Facebook peeves😡 Let me know !

Until next time xoxo💋!

Memoirs of a Shopaholic – A daughter reminisces 💞

Ever since I was a teenager I was notoriously bad at crossing the street having invisible blinders strapped to either side of my face which enabled me to look straight ahead not on either side and therefore step brazenly albeit dreamily right into incoming traffic read mad, speed happy, crazy, graffitied rickshaws, taxis, buses and motorcyclists who were forced to brake, holler and shake their fists in mid air in order to startle me from my reverie.
Today years later I happened to be walking to the supermarket with my dad and just as we approached the busy street and waited to cross Papa immediately clasped my hand firmly and guided me across the street all the while chatting nonchalantly about this and that and didn’t let go until we were safely on the sidewalk.
The fact that my incredibly busy and seemingly unassuming father took note of and remembered this habit of mine years later made me feel ridiculously happy , incredibly touched and left me a wee bit misty eyed which I attempted to cover under the age old got a speck of dust in my eye alibi.
I as a daughter may or may not remember his quirks and oddities but I hope as a parent I will be as mindful of my kids as my parents are of me 💕💗💖💓❤️.