Disclaimer : This work is a piece of fiction meant to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to any characters living or dead is purely a result of the reader’s over active imagination and should be disregarded immediately. Enjoy 😘
According to Wikipedia,💻
A Mother in law, is the mother of your spouse . 🙁 Apparently either the founder of Wikipedia is still single, married and forced to lie through his teeth under penalty of death or just plain naive.
Whatever the case ,this seemingly innocuous description utterly and miserably fails to encompass, the vast reality and entirety of this formidable, obnoxious , tyrannical , overbearing , cunning, self proclaimed expert matriarch😳.
Scared😰 yet? Hate to break it you but you will soon find yourself joining the ranks of the countless psychological and physically scarred victims of this narcissistic ,conniving foe.👀
Rest assured she will mark you as her opponent the moment you say the cherished “I do💞”.
But before you start adding unlimited sessions of psychotherapy to your trousseau wish list. Here are a few things that will prepare you for your unavoidable showdown once you set off on your journey of marital bliss 😒.
So put on your wifely armor, and prepare yourself for a lifelong battle🛡. In the words of Sun Tzu ” Know thy enemy”, even if these nuggets of information won’t help you win the war at least you will go down fighting ⚔ .
1- Get ready for a lifetime of being undermined and usurped ,
⚔From laundry, cooking , parenting heck even your clothes ( you dress like a tramp) and makeup ( you make Rupaul look like the girl next door💄).
⚔Be prepared to be criticized and belittled for every single one of your choices the exception being the prized catch that you happened to chance upon: “Her perfect one in a million offspring
whose miraculous birth story you will be hearing till your ears bleed . And will never be able to upstage even if you give birth to quadruplets hanging upside down from a broken bridge suspended over snapping crocodiles 🐊. Slight exaggeration but you get the idea 💡.
⚔Of course you will be accused of not properly feeding, bathing, pampering the fully grown 6 foot 185 lb man child (What you thought we were discussing your offspring ?😒) she grudgingly (read hanging onto his pant legs yelling “don’t go! )handed over to you.
2-Anything you cook will be inspected , re seasoned, deemed unfit for human consumption, inevitably be thrown out and replaced by a flourish and to rousing applause 👏 by the two heterogametic specimens in the family. ( Read the docile father in law( who admitted defeat long ago and is probably just waiting for the angel of💀 death to put him out of his misery) and your doted upon naive ( read opportunistically passive /aggressive) spouse.
3– You will forever be playing runnerup 🎖 ( don’t count on Steve Harvey to come to the rescue here 👑).To :
A-The beacon of self proclaimed perfection 🏆in the one woman show of “me, myself and I” 😒. Aka Mother in law dearest.
B- To her female offsprings – namely your sister in laws ( the tyrannical lineage💀must continue )
C- To every single one of your spouse’s exes even if they happened to be ex convicts accused of manslaughter 🔪.
4-Get ready to have your personal space invaded in everyway possible,
From your kitchen cabinets , refrigerators, closet, to your lingerie drawer. (Read keep all things lacy and kinky under lock and key).🗝
⚔Nothing is off limits to this scourging hyena. In fact if in a skewed world, mother in laws would be computer savvy, she would have hacked into all your social media and bank accounts as well.
5-Holding your tongue ,
will become second nature since you’ll be doing it everyday, 365 days a year for the rest of your life. This is especially true, if you happened to marry into a brown/Asian family.👩👩👦👨👨👦👩👩👧👨👩👧👦
📚Textbook strategies like spelling out your needs , setting out boundaries, voicing your opinions, working out conflicts like a mature adult, will result in bringing about a catastrophic disaster ( read Hindenburg).
And remember that charming, smooth talking hunk💪🏼 who conned you into a lifetime of marital torture. If you are counting on support from him forget it! 🚫When it comes to family drama this mama’s boy will simultaneously sprout the combined characteristics of the deaf, dumb and the mute.
6– So you thought failing as a housekeeper, wife and a human being was bad ?
Wait till you get slapped by the “incompetent mother ” tag. From giving birth to your bundle of joy( Only 12 hours?It took me a week to push your husband out sans epidural💉)!
⚔Everything from holding, feeding , putting the baby to sleep will be scrutinized , criticized and be accompanied by a never ending barrage of unsolicited advice. 🗣
Not to mention the fact that after 9 months and several hours of exhausting labor, the baby will be likened to everyone (from the preening matriarch herself to her second distant cousin twice removed) but you. 😳
7-A photographic memory is a must.
It will come in handy, at various social gatherings where you will be required to recall accurately , the names, glorified pasts, occupations and various ailments of the countless relatives you will be forced to meet and greet. (Don’t forget to ask Aunt S about her third husbands arthritis now😳).
8– Not a fan of daytime soaps ?
⚔Well it’s time to start binge watching now. Because pretty soon you will be encountering theatrics worthy of daytime Emmy nominations – no cable tv 📺required. From feigned heart attacks to sudden bouts of temporary amnesia , to melodramatic recounts of your many faults, to outright hissy fits and temper tantrums. The narcissistic matriarch will stop at nothing to gain her son’s attention and keep it.
9– Your parents vs his,
⚔what you thought only you had it bad? Rest assured your parents won’t be spared from this drama mama either. From why you won’t call his mother “mom” ( I have my own thank you very much, and the same question to him btw),to the no of times you visited your folks and vice versa, to the presents they gave ( nothing will ever be good enough👎🏼). To what you gave them ( A waste of her son’s hard earned money💸). Guess whose keeping score?🤔
10– Finally here’s something you don’t want to hear ,
⚔Every female posses the MIL gene. That’s right ladies we are all born with it. It’s right there innocent, benign just waiting for the moment that XY chromosome you birthed gets ready to be hitched. The next thing you know you will morph overnight into the cunning , controlling monster you once hated. 😖 Your best hope? Take an oath to be punched in the face the instant find yourself committing any of the ergeruious sins listed above.👊🏻
So there you have it loves, all you ever wanted to know about the age old formidable enemy. Hey it’s always good to be prepared even if you will be fighting a loosing battle 😉⚔. Wedding bells anyone?🔔
Until next time xoxo💋
Ever since I was a teenager I was notoriously bad at crossing the street having invisible blinders strapped to either side of my face which enabled me to look straight ahead not on either side and therefore step brazenly albeit dreamily right into incoming traffic read mad, speed happy, crazy, graffitied rickshaws, taxis, buses and motorcyclists who were forced to brake, holler and shake their fists in mid air in order to startle me from my reverie.
Today years later I happened to be walking to the supermarket with my dad and just as we approached the busy street and waited to cross Papa immediately clasped my hand firmly and guided me across the street all the while chatting nonchalantly about this and that and didn’t let go until we were safely on the sidewalk.
The fact that my incredibly busy and seemingly unassuming father took note of and remembered this habit of mine years later made me feel ridiculously happy , incredibly touched and left me a wee bit misty eyed which I attempted to cover under the age old got a speck of dust in my eye alibi.
I as a daughter may or may not remember his quirks and oddities but I hope as a parent I will be as mindful of my kids as my parents are of me 💕💗💖💓❤️.